My Summer Wind

It's been a while since I've been able to put my thoughts on virtual paper. Summer crept up on me and told me to lay off the computer and start enjoying the outdoors, so I did. It got easier to want to do things when I have a child that sees Life as the most fun ride to ever be on. Before summer, I've been holding indoor picnics and entertaining my little darling with songs, dance and laughter. Then the sun finally came out to play and asked us to dance along with the summer wind. We eagerly accepted the offer.

On practically a daily basis I have contacted my "Mother-from-another-mother" (my mom-in-law) to only leave the following message: "I wanted to call and tell you that I love my freekin' daughter. Okay, take care." I cannot believe that love can still grow when I thought I was at capacity. I'm supposedly in the 'terrible two's' with my girl, but the 2's have not been so terrible. I'm probably getting Ginzu knives mentally thrown at me from mothers that have it harder than me (gulp) sorry. I do think I'm blessed and I do count my blessings because I know there will be change coming as my girl grows and is exposed to the real world. I know who I was as a teen, so I have an idea of what I'm in for! For now, I'm relishing in all the goodness she is giving me and praying for more of the same. :)


The past few months my husband and I have spent laughing to tears over her. She's a natural ham. Her character seems so well-developed that I have to assume she's an old soul. She's the coolest girl I know. From her comments to her expressions to the simplest gestures, she's shown me that she's got everything under control. This summer I took her to our neighborhood park. It has a great atmosphere with a large grassy park to run, a playground safe for toddlers and slides of all kinds to enjoy. A lake poses as a backdrop to this park and its duck friends fly in to swim around and meet the little toddlers and their parents that come with food to share. I looked at her as she was waving at all the ducks exclaiming "hello duck!" and thought, wow, my girl was barely walking last year and here she is trying to arrange a get-together with the ducks for a grand lunch buffet. Last year she only wanted the swings to swing on and this year she cared about the slides, ducks and even see-sawing with me all the live-long-day. I'd hear her yell "uuuup! And dowwwwn!" as we soared up and down the see-saw, letting the summer breeze sweep through our hair.

Watching her eyes beam with happiness, and listening to her contagious laughter throughout the days was worth more than any level of salary I could ever earn in a lifetime. I cherished every moment. We spent a lot of time at different attractions. From parades, Six Flags, the Dells and a local gym to her most favorite place to go - the Brookfield Zoo, all of the attractions were places that summed up to being her 1st awesome summer.


As Sinatra said in the song Summer Wind, "Like painted kites, those days and nights, they went flying by..." The summer sure went flying by. Though we are in a new season, and I love all four seasons, I'm sad to see the summer go away. It's actually a bittersweet moment for me. Seemed like the summer wind came and swept my little baby away and yet in that place was left the most amazing little toddler that holds me, kisses my own boo-boos for me, grabs my hands and yells "come on, Mommy let's go play!" and showers me with loving kisses - just because. This new girl is no longer glad to simply have a stroll down to the park. Instead I find her playfully jumping into Mr. Fall's puddles, hugging the leaf-less trees and showering herself with the leafy-friends she met on the ground. She's learned all the letters of the alphabet, can count to almost 20, and feels grateful when anything is given to her by saying "for me? Oh THANK YOU!" My daughter and I lost ourselves this summer. While we hibernate this coming winter among the fingerpaints and my arts and crafts box, I know we'll be dreaming up more sunny days as we wait to dance again in the next summer wind.

Happy Brithday, Ma...

(Written Thursday October 16, 2008 11:59pm)

I’m typing this to you at 11:59pm….just a minute before your birthday is over. Ma, I am so sorry. Sorry for so much. Sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you because I was so involved with me…sorry for wanting to do what I wanted and never caring about your needs. Sorry for not supporting you more and hugging you as much as my heart wanted to. I am sorry for not feeling free enough to just be me when Dad was around and let you see my tender side. I am sorry for not knowing how to handle your Alzheimer’s in a more understanding manner. I wish I had all the right tools to have kept you with me and it seemed as if I never found the right person or answer. I never wanted to leave you with Dad. Never wanted to walk away from you and never wanted to see you in the condition Dad left you in. the troubles were so big and with my hands being tied from a controlling father I prayed to G-d for Him to either give me the right direction or get you out of there fast. You have meant more to me that I can even say and I miss you with all I have, Ma…..I miss you so damn much.

Oct 16 is your sweet birthday…the day you were born…a wonderful day that should be celebrated so well and I have been anxious to do something in honor of you. This day passed with all the daily issues and typical actions and I only just remembered this evening that today finally came – and I was heartbroken that I did nothing. I am a mess about it, Ma….I want to give you everything in my life to have you back here with me. I want you in my life. I want to see you and hold you and laugh with you…I want to drink and dance and gossip with you. I want to hear music, drive around and drink chai with you. I want to dress up, eat grocery samples and play rumy with you. I want to color your hair, paint your nails and try on your pretty clothes. I want to take you out to dinner, go salsa dancing, and see a movie with you. I want to cook with you and steal a kiss from you. I want to lie down next to you, put my arms around your tummy and just rest calmly knowing you’re near me. I never ever want to be without you and I hate that I wasn’t allowed to grow up with you in my life to watch and enjoy. I want to experience life with you. Ma…there’s only one you and I lost you and I’m miserable without you. No one has ever loved me like you. No one has ever been there for me like you. No one has ever held me like you and no one has ever protected my feelings like you…and I waited too long to show you how much I wanted to give back. I had plans for us…I thought we’d grow old together and I lost you. I try to move forward but I take steps back because I want you with me. I look at your contagious smile on the picture on my wall and I wish I could turn around and see you sitting on my couch with my daughter Sophia. You were a flawless rare diamond among false stones…and I only had a short while to revel in what you offered. I should be feeling privileged, but I just feel lost without you. You were my anchor. I know you may be looking upon me, and as much as I know I will try to embrace it, I will always wish you were right here next to me.

This morning I went to the health club. As I dropped off Sophia at the daycare and walked to work out I passed a lady who seemed to be near your age and Indian. I met her once before and even the last time I met her I felt a strong connection with her and somehow gained a lumpy throat after talking with her. The 1st thing I felt was “oh my…she makes me think of Ma”. Somehow she put my answers of family together to see what had happened to me and she felt so sad for me. The sadness she felt was a mother’s sadness, and she was so sincere. She is an Indian woman who is from the northern part of India – like you. I felt such a need to talk to her because she resembled you…she spoke from her heart like you and she had such a peaceful spirit like you. Today was the 2nd time I bumped into her and she was so happy to see me again, and I felt exactly the same. It was as if we were both drawn to speak to each other, a feeling I can’t put well into words. She talked to me for a few minutes and after hearing the lack of interest in Dad to have a relationship with me, and hearing that he married and still has not cared to try to know me or my daughter…she just cried. I fell into her arms and hugged her tight and held back my tears. I was so touched that she was crying for me…but then, Ma, it felt almost as if it were you crying for me and you were hugging me through her. I felt the warmth that you would give me in your hugs…and I was near to breaking down in hugging her. She then tells me that her oldest daughter’s name is Anita. What are the chances?

So I am home tonight and in a split moment I looked for the calendar and noticed that on your birthday, you sent a woman to come and see me today, to cry for me and hug me. And I finally realized just before your birthday is over that the woman you sent was there because you sent her. You gave me your hugs through her. And a daughter named Anita…of all days I learn it all today.

Thank you for your moments and messages and thank you for all the good you did for me. Thank you for putting up with me through my temper and teen years when I thought I knew everything. Thank you for sailing my rough seas with me and supporting me even if you didn’t want to. Thank you for making me a loving woman, and keeping me tough when it came to respect and what was right and wrong in life. Thank you most of all for sticking through such a horrible marriage for my sake, when I know you didn’t have to. I pray that G-d has given you many blessings in Heaven for all the sacrifices you made for Dad and me. You put up with so much and you tried to fit in so badly in an environment that didn’t care for you. You tried to create and build on ‘family’ and you were given a bad hand of cards….but you played on and did the best for me. You did the absolute best for me and I am a better person in this world because of you.

Ma, you are truly my everything and I hope you know how deep my love is for you. I have much to work on to really be present in moments that you specially make for me because I ache for them. I pray that we meet a million times through my dreams so we can be together and talk and I can hug you over and over again because I love and miss you so much. Have a happy birthday everyday…you deserve everyday to be celebrated, and I’ll hope to be right there with you in spirit to celebrate with you through Sophia and my good actions with her. So many moments you give me and today was the top of the cake for me. I hope I see that lady because I believe you sent her for me and I will do everything I can to be in touch with her. She is your gift to me, and it’s your birthday. Again…you are the selfless one. Why does love have to be far away when being close really matters? Ma, please stay with me forever…I hope you are the one that holds my hand when it’s my turn to be with G-d. I never want us to be apart again. I want to protect you and give you all my love the way daughters should for their mothers. You aren’t just any mother, either…you were and are the most selfless and caring mothers I have ever seen. You are my mother and I love you with my entire soul.


Sending all my love to you…

(10 years ago on your birthday... our last picture together)

MOTHERS

The position of 'motherhood' is the oldest occupation in the history of mankind. It is the "mother" of occupations, if you will. Mothers have been given the job of carrying, delivering and nurturing the next life. In most cases, it is the mother that is responsible for protection, nourishment and guidance. Men most definitely have their place in the rearing of a child, and it does not go unnoticed. Fathers have their position and specialty in the world of procreation and rearing, but I believe that throughout history, the position of motherhood has been one that is laughed at, mocked or under-rated. The occupation of "life bearer, deliverer and protector" was not just a job found at your local job fair; it was created by God and given only to women.

Oprah, to me (and I'm sure millions of viewers), is the mother of all talk shows. Oprah remains one of the most powerful women in the world. According to forbes.com the Oprah show, "...her namesake show, where she stresses spirituality and re-invention, has topped the daytime talk show ratings for 21 years, garnering 48 million viewers per week in the US.". She connects powerful shows providing help, knowledge, information or celebration to millions of viewers around the world. Even Oprah shared a thoughtful and profound quote honoring moms from a show called Great Moms III: "Mothers are the great spiritual teachers of the world." (http://www.oprah.com/). Those words are coming from a media mogul, on one of the most viewed talk shows in the world...and she's never been a mother. That's gotta tell you something about motherhood. An treasured honor given by a well-respected, famous and intelligent powerhouse! On behalf of millions of moms, thank you for always recognizing us, Oprah!

If we look at the position of 'mother', they are teachers. They are spiritual teachers, emotional teachers, organizational teachers and life coaches. In this age, we know the pressure is higher for mothers at work. Their daily schedule could possibly mimic the following: up early morning, wake up children, dress and feed children, drop off children to day care or school, mentor and handle daily office drama at employment, work at their employment, plan for the evening, pick up kids, nourish family, put on their life coach and teacher's hat for child's needs, put on wife hat for husband's needs, maintain 'family' life, clean house, sleep. The whole day is most likely laden with some type of stress, and they welcome it with open arms,. Why? Because they are mothers and it’s what they do best, being the multi-tasking gurus that they are. As the years roll by, the requirements of motherhood seem harder to meet when a dual income becomes a must to survive for most Americans. In these times we are seeing tapped out moms trying to do their best, and the demands of work escalating to levels that could wear a great employee down to pure exhaustion. Times have changed, but the position of motherhood still remains the same; the bond and love from mother to child doesn't change and neither will the innate desire to be available to our children when necessary.

It seems as if something spiritually happens to a mother once their baby is born. Not only does the mother receive a spiritual connection with her baby, she seems to be suddenly connected to other children. I remember when I was pregnant, a girlfriend told me "watch out, you'll start to see kids be drawn to you. They'll just walk up to you for no reason or think you are their mother for a second...just watch". I thought my girlfriend was ridiculous. I never had any child or baby interested in coming near me before my pregnancy and I certainly didn't think that because a baby is within me, someone else's child will gravitate toward me. How absurd. Just silly nonsense, but then it happened. I was walking in a mall and a little toddler ran right up to my leg and held onto it. I looked down and was shocked. He looked up at me after 30 seconds of leg holding and realized I wasn't his mom. He smiled and then walked to the other pair of legs just a few feet away from me. Of course I thought that incident was purely coincidental... until it happened again with a different child on a different day. I began to notice every baby I passed by smiled, waved or flirted with me. Astonishing! What I thought to be a mere old wives' tale rang true for me. There seems to be an invisible 'umbilical cord' attached from the mother to their child, and a new autopilot is spiritually installed within the fabric of the new mom, allowing her to conquer all circumstances that is current and new for her child and all children around her. A study called The Motherhood Study (http://www.motherhoodproject.org/) featured a survey of over 2,000 mothers (sampling a diverse demographic of the U.S. population) they found "More than 92% of the mothers...surveyed agreed with the statement, “After becoming a mother, I found myself caring more about the well-being of all children, not just my own.”

Salary.com™ created a "hybrid job description" with over 10 jobs that make up the job titles that best match a mom's definition of her work to be the following (in order of hours spent per week): housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist. Bill Coleman, senior vice president of compensation at Salary.com™ says "It is an eye-opener for many people when they see the real market value of the work moms perform. This year, by adding information about the compensation for Working Moms, we hope to expand the recognition of just how hard all moms are working and of the economic value they bring to society."

Salary.com™’s Annual Valuation of Mom's Job revealed a stay-at-home mom's salary is $138,095. Wow - six-figures people! Bill continues, "Mom works multiple jobs and rarely gets a break from the action, working an average of 52 hours of overtime. The lower than average merit increase reflects that many of the 'mom jobs' are not as highly valued as the management, non-exempt and executive jobs performed by most US employees." According to their study, working moms logged over 9 hours of overtime. This gives them an average of a 49-hour mom work week beyond their full time paying jobs. Complete results and information can be found on http://mom.salary.com/.

Another website in support of moms called M.O.T.H.E.R.S. (Mothers Ought To Have Equal Rights) questions the U.S. support for mothers saying "...why shouldn't American mothers and children have the same economic support that moms and kids do in Britain, Canada, France, Belgium, Holland, Scandinavia?"(http://www.mothersoughttohaveequalrights.org/). A very good question. The website supports the full spectrum of today's mom and is a valuable read if you are a mom.

The title of 'mother' is still on deck, waiting to receive a much bigger welcome of its value than what it has been given. Hearing passers by say "the hardest job in the world is being a mother" is great to hear, but the action to provide changes to help today's mom is still on hold. Hopefully within our lifetime we will see a wave of change to help mothers stay the fascinating employees of Life that they are; helping working moms accomplish all their goals without judgment when she can't stay late at work because of a parent-teacher meeting, and viewing a stay-at-home mom as honorable instead of 'just a mom'. If only Salary.com's 'salary' of $138,095 became a real deal... a new found respect could possibly begin! Until then, this mom will just keep on keepin' on, because any mother knows, it's just what we do.

You'll Understand Better When You're a Mom

“You’ll understand better when you’re a mom”. Did you ever hear that before having a baby? If you are planning to get pregnant, are you hearing that now? Does it bother you? I used to get so frustrated hearing moms say that to me. I'd feel somehow offended, thinking "What - I'm able to love like you, why does having a baby have to make everything so different?” I mean geez, I thought I was a fun gal; a kid on the inside; someone I'd think babies and kids would love to hang out with and play. Why do I have to wait until I have a baby to understand moms? They’re female...I'm female...they love...I love.. I've taken too many sighs after hearing that comment. It just lingered in my mental closet, irritating me. It's like hearing "you'll understand better when you're older." What's the big ol' mystery?

Time passed. I turned 30. Then 31. Then 32. Then 33. The dialogue of My Cousin Vinny's character Mona Lisa Vito echoed in my head "My biological clock is ticking...!" Then I turned 34... and in my 34th year, G-d created my 1st child... and it was good. I went for my 1st ultrasound at 5 weeks to make sure everything was a-ok with baby and me. I hopped up on the table and rested my head on the pillow. I turned my head toward the sonogram screen where my sonographer was sitting by and analyzing a cloud of blacks, whites and greys on the screen. Then I heard my sonographer, "awww, there you are! Lookin' good! And you've got a nice strong heartbeat!". I looked at her and then at the screen she was talking to. There was a teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy dot flashing in front of my confused eyes. As soon as the thought 'what's that?' entered my head, my suddenly psychic sonographer pointed to a flashing dot and answered "that little dot flashing there is your baby... about the size of a piece of rice. The flashing is the baby's heart beating". I, an emotionally controlled woman, instantly began to tear up. I couldn't take my glassy eyes off the screen. With a lump in my throat I whispered "really?". It wasn't just a heartbeat, it was my baby's heart -- and it was beating. Whoa. There I was, a strong and independent warrior of a woman ready to take on the world, resting my head on a pillow and tear-soaked eyes streaming off the sides of my face uncontrollably. I carefully caressed my tummy and cried.

I actually think I cried inside and out. I felt my heart cry, my soul cry and my mind cry. That was the 1st day my faith in G-d came to reality. That day I knew there was a G-d. I went home, reached in my cabinet for a container I had of rice, pulled one piece out and laid it in the palm of my hands. I heard the sonographer's echo in my head "...a little baby...about the size of a piece of rice". I went through 3 months of nausea, three months of Chicago Style Hot dogs (minus the onions and hot peppers, thank you) and Oreo Blizzards, and three months of "get this baby outta me". At 3:14am on Tuesday, September 26 my baby began to gently knock on my pregnant belly's door asking if she could finally come out and play. When I didn't answer, she knocked harder for a while, until I swore she was taking a few steps back and running at full speed to break the door down. She wanted out, and - ohhh yeah - she was gonna get what she wanted. The rest was a time travelling experience: sat up, breathed through the labor pains until they were close enough to go to the hospital. I, for the 1st time, turned into a rock star with my own posse. Everything I wanted was done for me in a flash. My husband's mom kept the time between contractions and breathing, my husband threw the hospital bag in the SUV, placed me carefully in the car and zoomed us to my hospital that would soon greet my daughter. I was escorted out of my vehicle and into a state-of-the-art and eco-friendly vehicle (wheelchair) and had a personal chauffer take me to my "penthouse suite" (maternity unit). I was asked fror my autograph and gladly provided (lots of papers to sign), and had a number of assistants (hospital staff) who took care of every need I had. The best part was no paparrazzi. After settling in, my only approach to zen was a mantra I learned a month before: "ep-i-duuuur-al". If you say that word every 5 minutes, it will come.

Hours later at 2:00pm the nurse told me to begin breathing and pushing. I remembered to remain calm, but my head was screaming HOLY @#%*&^! I heard the nurse say "Look!" to my husband. "There's the baby's head! Wow, look at all that hair!". That was it. That was all I needed to hear. I became the strongest woman in the world with a mission and I was going to complete it - stat! It took me 38 minutes to get my child through the door to an outdoor life (I think the doctor said I broke a record for fastest time delivering a first baby without any damage to the 'door '- many thanks go to Mr. Kegel). For the 1st time I saw my baby. All she was to me for 9 months, according to the doctors and pregnancy website comparisons, was a piece of rice, a soda pop can and a squash. Finally, my little bundle of baby was placed in my arms. A real baby. A breathing, cooing, nuzzling little creation brought to me and my husband from a magical, heavenly place. There she was...my baby...resting quietly in my arms.

I thought all those mothers had me wrong about needing to wait until I was a mom to understand, but when they're right, they're right. Something does change in you. I can see now why it's hard to explain, because how do you really explain a gift from Heaven coming with all these invisible tools at no extra cost? The tools are invisible, but they are certainly there. That gut feeling telling you to go check on your child? Invisible tool. Knowing when it's 'time' to try a new schedule - invisible tool. Realizing they are getting into mischief without having to turn your head around? Invisible tool. Since the local standard of speak now-a-days is through acronyms, we can say that mothers get "i.t.". A new beaming gold thread that Heaven supplies is immediately woven into the fabric of our character, and somehow changes everything through a ripple effect within our entire system. Even moms adopting children; they are given invisible wings because, in my opinion, G-d sees them as honorary Angels, caring and loving children who's parents couldn't provide for them. They, too, receive "it" because being a mom is their calling.

Here's my theory: G-d places His hand on a mother's shoulder as soon as her baby is conceived and wraps His arms around her when her baby is placed in her arms for the 1st time. In that embrace, all tools are transferred from G-d's heart straight into the mother's heart and soul. I think it happens to all moms -- it all depends on if they pay attention to it -- and you'll recognize the difference between the ones that do and the ones that don’t. The moms that don't notice that beautiful transfer may notice later as they reflect on the past years, or maybe they'll realize more after a memorable or even undesirable moment. Even still there could be others that never recognize the gift they received...but it was always there with them.

It was a fabulous journey I took from pregnancy to motherhood. I've learned that each milestone in life has its place and time to be. We can all pretend we know when it comes to being mothers before we really are, but the moment drops of realization of pregnancy, delivery and responsibility enter our hearts...the moment we realize our instinctual need to provide a beautiful life for our child through the challenges given to us...the moment mothers receive "i.t."...I think we begin to understand why it becomes achingly difficult not to say, “You’ll understand better when you’re a mom”.

Written in honor of mothers around the world: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

A Love Note to The Man of My Dreams - My Husband

I love you. I love you more today than the first time I laid my eyes on you. I love you for being an ass. I love you for trying not to be an ass. I love your earlobes and I love the tip of your nose. I love your forearms and I love your lips. I love laughing with you till we both cry. I love that you can wear a beard and I still think you are hot. I love when you cover my eyes when the television shows something that would upset me. I love how you shake your toes to music that's not even there. I love watching you love the daughter we created together. I love the look in your eye when you want to tell me you love me. I love that after almost 12 years together you still chase me around the room to tackle me at the end. I love you for loving me...all of me...my bad side, my good side, my emotional side, my stupid side, my crabby side, my I-just-want-to-fight-for-no-reason-at-all side, my Phoebe side, my Rachel side and my Monica side. I love that you are a combination of Ross, Chandler and Joey. I love that you love my cat. I love that you take out the garbage. I love that you get me. I love the cards you buy and the treasure hunts you give me for my gifts. I love your Burt Reynolds laugh. I love playing air guitar in the car with you. I love playing Guitar Hero III with you. I love how you think you are a rock star now. I love being your groupie. I love 'musical nights' where we talk in rhyme and belt out a ridiculous song. I love that you are my best friend.

But most of all...

I love you for loving me

the way I am.

This song is for you: