The Spank Factor - Toddlers

I remember sitting at a restaurant with my husband and overhearing a screaming child. I remember, back before I had a child, how I jokingly said to my husband "If that were me, I'd beat the living crap out of my child". I used to joke about my so-called 'hit first, ask questions later' rule with my friends and it always brought about some laughter. Was I kidding back then? Probably not, because back then I was talking purely out of ignorance, and a little experience.

As a child I was hit a few times by my parents, but that was all I needed to be set straight. Then they mastered the art of "the look". The "look" was that certain facial expression where they widened their eyes and tilted their head in just the right position that somehow spiritually said "Don't even think about disappointing me". All I needed was that "look", and their perfect child I became. I never baby sat children or spent years understanding children's behavior, so their bad behavior naturally fit in with the rest. Being single, children were not a priority. Success was my priority. Success and love. When it came to children, I naturally thought that they all need a good spankin' to keep the peace in a household. I remember saying "oh,no...I'm not putting up with that crap" referring to a child who was fussing about refusing to sit in a high chair and watching the parent remain calm. Then I had my baby, and everything I said was thrown out the door.

Something happened to me after giving birth. My eyes received a clarity and my understanding became updated automatically once my baby was put into my arms for the 1st time. I realized over the course of my 1st year with my baby that that is what she is - a baby. And to imagine spanking this child? Never. Well, of course you don't spank an infant. I should hope no one ever does. It's the years ahead...the toddler years. Those are the years where I've heard the worst is brought out of the parent. I just read an article about a Florida woman who brought her two year old girl to a local car wash. She didn't bring her daughter to the car wash to show her how cars are washed, or to get her own car washed even. She brought her two year old daughter to the car wash to spray her with the power washing spray. It was caught on video. Google it. You'll find it. She later says that she loves her daughter and didn't put the level of the water flow to the high pressure side, but wanted to teach her daughter a lesson for having a tantrum. She was going to teach her daughter what respect means. I'm still sick to my stomach about the act itself. Imagine that girl. She is two years fresh into the world, so many things are changing in her mind, body and spirit and the one person that was chosen to be her mother shoves a water spray into her face and body over and over again. All because the little child unknowingly brought out the worst of her mother.

Hitting and abusing a child is a tough topic to discuss on any message board, I have seen, because we come across so many parents that see nothing wrong in swatting, spanking, beating or any other word that describes a physical act inflicting pain or harm that is used to teach their child what right and wrong is. Since this is my blog, I'm stating purely what I feel and I can only hope there are more mothers and fathers out there that agree. I'm writing this to parents that wonder how other parents rear their kids without having to spank them. I know there will be disagreements but all I ask is that you try with every cell in your body, just give it a try and see the results. I now look back to the woman I was before having a baby. The 'hit-first-and-ask-questions-later' gal. I can't believe that was me!

If you look at the big picture, your child is new to everything, and learns from the environment that surrounds him or her. They come to us completely helpless, and depend on us to direct them to the right place or, if anything, to help get them back into the game of Life when Life calls a foul play. Children, in my opinion, are fresh and pure beings that came from G-d's Home. They come here having to learn a new language, structure, and foundation. Their eyes are new to everything, and parents have had over 20 years experience (give or take some years) to have forgotten that they, too, were in that same place. Some remember their childhood and want to relive it through their child, others never want to relive that time in their lives, and still others want to improve on what they experienced. Still we hear so many stories in the news of pure selfishness put upon a child that still has no idea how to live life as an adult, yet is expected to act as if they have been here for the same amount of years as their adult parents.

My daughter has entered her 'terrible twos' early. When I tell people that, I hear "ooohh boy" or "ohhhh no! I remember those days" or even a little wicked laughter from a parent that has been there and done that. I understand, however, that that is the time in a child's life where they are learning, growing and testing the parents. I learned to change my perception from 'irritating child' to a healthy child that is doing exactly what she needs to. It seems many parents who think it's okay to hit their children have been hit themselves as children, so it is what they know that works. Maybe it's an easy remedy to put a child in place. I believe, though, that it is not the only thing that works. You can break the "history repeats itself" spell with strong effort, lots of deep breaths and awareness of what is really going on.

I know that children can be hard to work with, because saying "no" doesn't always register in their minds, but I believe that if they knew that what they did upset you, it would strike a chord in their little hearts. I believe that children want nothing more than to please their parents. Testing your patience is a great thing! That shows you that your child is getting to learn where boundaries are with you and with them. It is telling you that your child's mind is working well, and that it is your turn to work harder to educate your child on where he stands and where you stand. It's hard work keeping a no-spanking zone, when they are doing everything to tempt your hand to take a swing -but- if you start a habit of spanking now, I believe many children will cater to it, push the level of tolerance to a new level and eventually become numb to it. You may end up hitting harder, bringing out the ol' leather belt, or what have you. But then I ask you this: then what? Maybe you've successfully planted fear in your children's hearts. Maybe you like having that type of control. Or maybe you haven't seen your child respond to the beatings and you are just worn out. At the end of the day, was all that really necessary? Maybe in some homes you feel it is...but what if there was a home just like yours with the same number of children, and no beatings ever took place? Wouldn't you want to know what that family does? Or would you simply diagnose them as "lucky"? I'd want to know.

I really believe we need to think about how we respond to them that will determine how long these moments will fester. I can't answer all issues of spanking but I at least can tell you that I have realized over the past two years how my words, firmness, actions, reactions and facial expressions have already created a foundation of what is right and wrong for my child. If you start early, the foundation built in the beginning will be strong for the future bumps in the road.

Some examples I use for my toddler:
--Strong, firm words
--Sticking to what I say ('no' means 'no', even if they are the cutest baby in the world)
--Distractions (if the child grabbed a pen, distract with something safer and remove the pen)
--Tantrums, let them have one. When they see you get bent out of shape, they'll realize the tantrum gets your attention so they'll use it again and again. (Just keep them from injuring themselves or others)
-Don't draw attention to bad habits (The more you draw attention on the bad the more they'll do. When you see a bad habit, find a better thing to have them do and focus on that as fun instead.)
-Neutral reaction (When my daughter wants my attention she'll throw something to see my reaction. I don't get mad or smile. I simply bring her to the item that she threw and help her to pick up the item and put it back where it belongs- all with a neutral face.)
--Repetition (You are teaching your child new good habits. Habits don't happen over night, so you will need to repeatedly say and do the same things to get your point. It's tough, but one day they will do exactly what you have painstakenly done over and over...all by themselves.)
--Listen to what they are saying. They don't have all the words, but sometimes they are trying to tell you something. A toy could have fallen, their hand may be stuck in something, etc.

Sometimes we get caught up in our world for a moment and a minor irritation from an unknowing child can at times seem like a hinderance. Until they can truly speak with knowledge of what they are saying, these are the years we need to try and be most alert, since all they can do is cry or say a couple of words. They are just as frustrated as you are because they can't communicate so well yet, let alone figuring out how to do anything independently.

I know I have more years to come with my daughter, but so far my home has been filled with love and understanding, as well as a lot of challenges that were met without that good ol' spanking that I was so sure to give. If there are any parents that do not believe in spanking, and have more helpful words or ideas, please feel free to comment so we can help others.

I can only hope my words reach parents that want to try to do the same and give "sparing the rod" a chance. Good luck!