Life Without Grandparents

Once upon a time, there were large homes with front porches. Little children of different ages were seen crawling in the house, playing in the yard or helping around the house. I saw parents, aunts and uncles trying to keep everyone in line and when trouble came about, there were 'family talks'. Everyone gathered around the grandparents to hear how life was when they were young. They told stories of how they walked to school barefoot, 100 miles away, uphill in 3 feet of snow with a 30 degree below zero wind chill factor. I saw those same grandparents rocking in a rocking chair on the front porch, playing checkers or chess, pulling out coins from a child's ears or catching a nose. It didn't matter if anything went wrong in life because the family always stuck together. Family members lived close by. It was a wonderful definition of a family I received as I was growing up, only... my eyes saw those moments through a television screen. The moments weren't reflected from a reel-to-reel film or vhs tape - offering a memory of my family. The moments belonged to the television shows and movies I watched as a child. As I shut the t.v. off back then, I turned and looked around. No front porch. No game of checkers. No one caught my nose or pulled a coin from my ear. I didn't hear any tall tales. My life didn't include grandparents.

I feel most grandparents serve as a great joy to a grandchild, and vice versa. I remember the Disney movie Pocahontas where there was a character in the movie named "Grandfather Willow", a willow tree that gave great words of wisdom for young and confused Pocahontas. What a great symbol of a real grandparent! Many families I knew had grandparents, but they lived somewhere else or passed away before their grandchildren were old enough to recognize them. Other grandparents were ill in a hosptal or living in a senior home or nursing home. My point is, children within the past few generations may have experienced a different environment - one without grandparents - than what we either had or saw on television.

I believe there is a critical figure missing in today's "family" when grandparents are not available, and sometimes - unfortunately - there is nothing we can do about it. I grew up without grandparents near me, so I know very well what it is like. My grandparents from both my parent's side resided in India, a place I called "a magical land far far away" as a little girl. I saw them only a few times, but seeing them didn't complete my real need for them. Neither of them could speak English and since English was all I knew our communication was close to nil, leaving us with only smiles and a look of struggle to find a way to speak to each other (needless to say both my parents got an earfull from their entire family for not teaching me their language). Being born and reared in the good ol' U.S. of A, my family was my parents and, having no siblings, I was primarily with my own thoughts and imagination to live with (picture Saturday Night Live's classic episode with Gilda Radner as a Girl Scout named Judy Miller with an overactive imagination as she hosts a pretend 'talk show' in her bedroom ...yep, that was me).

As life continued, I grew up, got married and had a baby girl. In the meantime, my mother passed away, my father got remarried and became estranged permanently, and my husband's parents live outside of our state. My husband's father and wife have not yet met my daughter and my husband's mother has made every effort she could to be in my daughter's life, with a four hour driving distance being the hardest obstacle. In essence, my daughter really doesn't have that classic character of a grandparent we see in older movies and television shows. She won't have that opportunity to wake up and 'go to grandma's house' unless we take a 4 hour drive to stay for a day or two if we have the time. Things just don't always work as we hope, but we make do the best we can.

As my daughter gets older, I will be spending time telling her stories of her wonderful grandparents that were here in spirit, reminding her of the grandmother that wished she could be here with her everyday, and creating 'grandfather willow' type stories to keep within her imaginary mental files. I know there could be days where she may ask why things aren't like she sees on the television. At that point, I will make sure she knows the good of all her grandparents through stories and even some tall tales. Pictures in my home, letters from grandparents and great-grandparents will make our stories all come to life and she will know that she was loved by all, and maybe even feel their presence.

If you are a parent whose children have no grandparents, or in the same predicament I am in, here are some helpful ideas to help replace that possible emptiness for your children:

1) Tell stories of your parents that you remember, focusing on all their good intentions and experience.

2) Hang pictures, create scrapbooks/albums and keep cards/letters/video from all grandparents available so your child can feel close with them.

3) If you have elderly friends, uncles, neighbors that you are close and comfortable with, consider them as grandparent figures for your children. (In India, there is an ongoing habit within the culture to call anyone you know that is older than you by a respectful title. For example, all older women are usually called "Aunty" and men "Uncle")

4) Check your local nursing home facility and speak with their director regarding "surrogate grandparenting" programs. There are tons of WONDERFUL grandparent wanna-be's aching for someone to give them attention, respect and love, and can't wait to return the same (you may also just find a special connection with them as well!).