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(Written Thursday October 16, 2008 11:59pm)
I’m typing this to you at 11:59pm….just a minute before your birthday is over. Ma, I am so sorry. Sorry for so much. Sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you because I was so involved with me…sorry for wanting to do what I wanted and never caring about your needs. Sorry for not supporting you more and hugging you as much as my heart wanted to. I am sorry for not feeling free enough to just be me when Dad was around and let you see my tender side. I am sorry for not knowing how to handle your Alzheimer’s in a more understanding manner. I wish I had all the right tools to have kept you with me and it seemed as if I never found the right person or answer. I never wanted to leave you with Dad. Never wanted to walk away from you and never wanted to see you in the condition Dad left you in. the troubles were so big and with my hands being tied from a controlling father I prayed to G-d for Him to either give me the right direction or get you out of there fast. You have meant more to me that I can even say and I miss you with all I have, Ma…..I miss you so damn much.
Oct 16 is your sweet birthday…the day you were born…a wonderful day that should be celebrated so well and I have been anxious to do something in honor of you. This day passed with all the daily issues and typical actions and I only just remembered this evening that today finally came – and I was heartbroken that I did nothing. I am a mess about it, Ma….I want to give you everything in my life to have you back here with me. I want you in my life. I want to see you and hold you and laugh with you…I want to drink and dance and gossip with you. I want to hear music, drive around and drink chai with you. I want to dress up, eat grocery samples and play rumy with you. I want to color your hair, paint your nails and try on your pretty clothes. I want to take you out to dinner, go salsa dancing, and see a movie with you. I want to cook with you and steal a kiss from you. I want to lie down next to you, put my arms around your tummy and just rest calmly knowing you’re near me. I never ever want to be without you and I hate that I wasn’t allowed to grow up with you in my life to watch and enjoy. I want to experience life with you. Ma…there’s only one you and I lost you and I’m miserable without you. No one has ever loved me like you. No one has ever been there for me like you. No one has ever held me like you and no one has ever protected my feelings like you…and I waited too long to show you how much I wanted to give back. I had plans for us…I thought we’d grow old together and I lost you. I try to move forward but I take steps back because I want you with me. I look at your contagious smile on the picture on my wall and I wish I could turn around and see you sitting on my couch with my daughter Sophia. You were a flawless rare diamond among false stones…and I only had a short while to revel in what you offered. I should be feeling privileged, but I just feel lost without you. You were my anchor. I know you may be looking upon me, and as much as I know I will try to embrace it, I will always wish you were right here next to me.
This morning I went to the health club. As I dropped off Sophia at the daycare and walked to work out I passed a lady who seemed to be near your age and Indian. I met her once before and even the last time I met her I felt a strong connection with her and somehow gained a lumpy throat after talking with her. The 1st thing I felt was “oh my…she makes me think of Ma”. Somehow she put my answers of family together to see what had happened to me and she felt so sad for me. The sadness she felt was a mother’s sadness, and she was so sincere. She is an Indian woman who is from the northern part of India – like you. I felt such a need to talk to her because she resembled you…she spoke from her heart like you and she had such a peaceful spirit like you. Today was the 2nd time I bumped into her and she was so happy to see me again, and I felt exactly the same. It was as if we were both drawn to speak to each other, a feeling I can’t put well into words. She talked to me for a few minutes and after hearing the lack of interest in Dad to have a relationship with me, and hearing that he married and still has not cared to try to know me or my daughter…she just cried. I fell into her arms and hugged her tight and held back my tears. I was so touched that she was crying for me…but then, Ma, it felt almost as if it were you crying for me and you were hugging me through her. I felt the warmth that you would give me in your hugs…and I was near to breaking down in hugging her. She then tells me that her oldest daughter’s name is Anita. What are the chances?
So I am home tonight and in a split moment I looked for the calendar and noticed that on your birthday, you sent a woman to come and see me today, to cry for me and hug me. And I finally realized just before your birthday is over that the woman you sent was there because you sent her. You gave me your hugs through her. And a daughter named Anita…of all days I learn it all today.
Thank you for your moments and messages and thank you for all the good you did for me. Thank you for putting up with me through my temper and teen years when I thought I knew everything. Thank you for sailing my rough seas with me and supporting me even if you didn’t want to. Thank you for making me a loving woman, and keeping me tough when it came to respect and what was right and wrong in life. Thank you most of all for sticking through such a horrible marriage for my sake, when I know you didn’t have to. I pray that G-d has given you many blessings in Heaven for all the sacrifices you made for Dad and me. You put up with so much and you tried to fit in so badly in an environment that didn’t care for you. You tried to create and build on ‘family’ and you were given a bad hand of cards….but you played on and did the best for me. You did the absolute best for me and I am a better person in this world because of you.
Ma, you are truly my everything and I hope you know how deep my love is for you. I have much to work on to really be present in moments that you specially make for me because I ache for them. I pray that we meet a million times through my dreams so we can be together and talk and I can hug you over and over again because I love and miss you so much. Have a happy birthday everyday…you deserve everyday to be celebrated, and I’ll hope to be right there with you in spirit to celebrate with you through Sophia and my good actions with her. So many moments you give me and today was the top of the cake for me. I hope I see that lady because I believe you sent her for me and I will do everything I can to be in touch with her. She is your gift to me, and it’s your birthday. Again…you are the selfless one. Why does love have to be far away when being close really matters? Ma, please stay with me forever…I hope you are the one that holds my hand when it’s my turn to be with G-d. I never want us to be apart again. I want to protect you and give you all my love the way daughters should for their mothers. You aren’t just any mother, either…you were and are the most selfless and caring mothers I have ever seen. You are my mother and I love you with my entire soul.
Sending all my love to you…
I’m typing this to you at 11:59pm….just a minute before your birthday is over. Ma, I am so sorry. Sorry for so much. Sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you because I was so involved with me…sorry for wanting to do what I wanted and never caring about your needs. Sorry for not supporting you more and hugging you as much as my heart wanted to. I am sorry for not feeling free enough to just be me when Dad was around and let you see my tender side. I am sorry for not knowing how to handle your Alzheimer’s in a more understanding manner. I wish I had all the right tools to have kept you with me and it seemed as if I never found the right person or answer. I never wanted to leave you with Dad. Never wanted to walk away from you and never wanted to see you in the condition Dad left you in. the troubles were so big and with my hands being tied from a controlling father I prayed to G-d for Him to either give me the right direction or get you out of there fast. You have meant more to me that I can even say and I miss you with all I have, Ma…..I miss you so damn much.
Oct 16 is your sweet birthday…the day you were born…a wonderful day that should be celebrated so well and I have been anxious to do something in honor of you. This day passed with all the daily issues and typical actions and I only just remembered this evening that today finally came – and I was heartbroken that I did nothing. I am a mess about it, Ma….I want to give you everything in my life to have you back here with me. I want you in my life. I want to see you and hold you and laugh with you…I want to drink and dance and gossip with you. I want to hear music, drive around and drink chai with you. I want to dress up, eat grocery samples and play rumy with you. I want to color your hair, paint your nails and try on your pretty clothes. I want to take you out to dinner, go salsa dancing, and see a movie with you. I want to cook with you and steal a kiss from you. I want to lie down next to you, put my arms around your tummy and just rest calmly knowing you’re near me. I never ever want to be without you and I hate that I wasn’t allowed to grow up with you in my life to watch and enjoy. I want to experience life with you. Ma…there’s only one you and I lost you and I’m miserable without you. No one has ever loved me like you. No one has ever been there for me like you. No one has ever held me like you and no one has ever protected my feelings like you…and I waited too long to show you how much I wanted to give back. I had plans for us…I thought we’d grow old together and I lost you. I try to move forward but I take steps back because I want you with me. I look at your contagious smile on the picture on my wall and I wish I could turn around and see you sitting on my couch with my daughter Sophia. You were a flawless rare diamond among false stones…and I only had a short while to revel in what you offered. I should be feeling privileged, but I just feel lost without you. You were my anchor. I know you may be looking upon me, and as much as I know I will try to embrace it, I will always wish you were right here next to me.
This morning I went to the health club. As I dropped off Sophia at the daycare and walked to work out I passed a lady who seemed to be near your age and Indian. I met her once before and even the last time I met her I felt a strong connection with her and somehow gained a lumpy throat after talking with her. The 1st thing I felt was “oh my…she makes me think of Ma”. Somehow she put my answers of family together to see what had happened to me and she felt so sad for me. The sadness she felt was a mother’s sadness, and she was so sincere. She is an Indian woman who is from the northern part of India – like you. I felt such a need to talk to her because she resembled you…she spoke from her heart like you and she had such a peaceful spirit like you. Today was the 2nd time I bumped into her and she was so happy to see me again, and I felt exactly the same. It was as if we were both drawn to speak to each other, a feeling I can’t put well into words. She talked to me for a few minutes and after hearing the lack of interest in Dad to have a relationship with me, and hearing that he married and still has not cared to try to know me or my daughter…she just cried. I fell into her arms and hugged her tight and held back my tears. I was so touched that she was crying for me…but then, Ma, it felt almost as if it were you crying for me and you were hugging me through her. I felt the warmth that you would give me in your hugs…and I was near to breaking down in hugging her. She then tells me that her oldest daughter’s name is Anita. What are the chances?
So I am home tonight and in a split moment I looked for the calendar and noticed that on your birthday, you sent a woman to come and see me today, to cry for me and hug me. And I finally realized just before your birthday is over that the woman you sent was there because you sent her. You gave me your hugs through her. And a daughter named Anita…of all days I learn it all today.
Thank you for your moments and messages and thank you for all the good you did for me. Thank you for putting up with me through my temper and teen years when I thought I knew everything. Thank you for sailing my rough seas with me and supporting me even if you didn’t want to. Thank you for making me a loving woman, and keeping me tough when it came to respect and what was right and wrong in life. Thank you most of all for sticking through such a horrible marriage for my sake, when I know you didn’t have to. I pray that G-d has given you many blessings in Heaven for all the sacrifices you made for Dad and me. You put up with so much and you tried to fit in so badly in an environment that didn’t care for you. You tried to create and build on ‘family’ and you were given a bad hand of cards….but you played on and did the best for me. You did the absolute best for me and I am a better person in this world because of you.
Ma, you are truly my everything and I hope you know how deep my love is for you. I have much to work on to really be present in moments that you specially make for me because I ache for them. I pray that we meet a million times through my dreams so we can be together and talk and I can hug you over and over again because I love and miss you so much. Have a happy birthday everyday…you deserve everyday to be celebrated, and I’ll hope to be right there with you in spirit to celebrate with you through Sophia and my good actions with her. So many moments you give me and today was the top of the cake for me. I hope I see that lady because I believe you sent her for me and I will do everything I can to be in touch with her. She is your gift to me, and it’s your birthday. Again…you are the selfless one. Why does love have to be far away when being close really matters? Ma, please stay with me forever…I hope you are the one that holds my hand when it’s my turn to be with G-d. I never want us to be apart again. I want to protect you and give you all my love the way daughters should for their mothers. You aren’t just any mother, either…you were and are the most selfless and caring mothers I have ever seen. You are my mother and I love you with my entire soul.
Sending all my love to you…
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(10 years ago on your birthday... our last picture together)
