Toddler World

Who knew that the moment your little boo-boo, sweetheart baby, turns into a toddler that all moms gain a second pair of eyes in the back of their heads? I found myself with my back to the bathroom mirror, twisting myself about to view the back of my head looking for them this morning. I SWEAR they are there. Not only have my new pair of eyes helped me keep track of my 18 month old's whereabouts, but these eyes came with a better understanding of a new World I just recently entered - Toddler World.

My daughter just entered her terrible two's early, according to her pediatrician. To my husband, she is now an advanced child and he grabs a beer to celebrate. Nice. I, on the other hand, felt a little sweaty. Terrible two's? Ya think the number 2 could ever be joined with more positive words? We all know what "Number Two" is (which is a whole different article on a different day) but now I've learned about 2 having a "terrible" in front of it. Oh holy hell, what am I in for? Tantrums? Limits being tested? Not listening? Pinching? Biting? WHAT THE ----? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The answer is NOPE. No kidding.

I've seen it with my friends' children and have started to see it with my little nutball girl. Here's what I think happened: our children morphed one night into little toddlers and have subconsciously invited their parents to partake residency in their new land called "Toddler World". You should be able to see the signs that your toddler has landed on the shores of their new World. The house you once had before your 1st baby looks nothing like you remembered. Your feet suddenly become accustomed to a standard sharp pain as they step on random objects that belong to a puzzle, game or developmental toy. The tables that once displayed great magazines, figurines and decorative items now house diapers and sanitary wipes. The scent of your home is a combination of, cleaning agents, dirty diapers and laundry detergent. The furinture that you took time to purchase because the fabric had to be 'oh so soft and comfy' now welcomes toys, reading books, noisy thing-a-ma-bobs, a fake cell phone and a few snacks that your child placed within its cushions because it was something fun to do. Parents that are reading this are either smiling because they can relate or feel frustrated because they can relate. Am I right? If this description sounds familiar then you, my fellow new parents, have entered Toddler World.

If you are new to Toddler World, here are a few pointers that may help change your tired, possibly frustrated perspective and help keep the peace in your home while you reside within your child's new haven:

1) Someone once told me "If you can't teach them good from bad and right from wrong at 14 months, you will not be able to teach them at 14 years." Keep that golden nugget in your mind's vault. The sooner you teach the better.
2) It is healthy for them to test you. This means their mind is working and they subconsciously want to know where their boundaries are.
3) Keep telling your child "You will love me later for this" when you have to discipline
4) Stick to your guns - "NO MEANS NO"
5) Say it again. What? Say it again. What? Say it again. (Get used to repeating your requests and demands.)
6) Don't forget to breathe.
7) Don't forget to laugh.
8) Believe in the art of distraction. Play a game, sing a song, dance around.
9) Buy TiVo or a DVR and keep their favorite shows that will allow you some down time every now and again.
10) Put your 'child eyes' on and try to see their view. (It's quite fun and helps us escape from the dreaded real life)

I think I have possibly become a super mom after mastery in some of these areas. I am currently looking for my invisible cape (I put it down right next to me and can't seem to find it). Some side effects you could experience is talking to adults the way you talk to your children (at the grocery store the other day I exclaimed "OH YAAAAAY!" when I found the cereal I wanted.). Another one that I personally am going through is finding yourself acting like a fool (marching down the aisle saying "march march march..."). Regardless of the side effects, you will feel like a super hero, too, if you can get through the new rules of the World.

I still can't get over my eyes. Four of them, people. I have four! I don't know how it happened, but I think a Heavenly force from above must have placed them in my head while I slept. I can type this information to you and tell you what position my 18 month old daughter is sleeping in behind me in her play yard. That's cool, eh? I think only Mom's get the extra eyes, but maybe there are some Dads out there that can tell me otherwise.

Well, my four-eyed parents, I look forward to hearing about your adventures in Toddler World. Until then, may the force of love be with you and yours.

Funny E-mail - Period

I received this e-mail today. Don't know if this is a real letter, but I don't care...I laughed along as I read it. I felt like applauding at the end because this woman wrote a letter with all the words and fervor I can relate to. Hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Please post your comment at the bottom :)

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f*&^%$# �kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

I hope you enjoyed that e-mail as much as I did. If there is such a person that wrote that letter, then BRAVO for that effort!! I think some corporations can get so caught up in their business that they forget the human element required for more sales. I loved that e-mail.

18 Month Day

Today is my daughter's "18th Month Day". What an exciting day! She has grown so quickly. She wakes up in the morning and says "goo money!" which is toddler-speak for "good morning". She says "BYE DAAAD" as he leaves for work and says "NO!" as soon as he closes the door behind him, realizing that he's gone for the day. She then proceeds to her Little People house and joyfully plays and humms some song, then runs over and hugs me, just because.

I can't believe the time gone. Zapped so fast. It seems like yesterday when she was in an infant car seat unable to do anything...and a few days ago she's standing up in my shower and enjoying the water falling on her, stomping around like she were outside on a rainy day.

In my 1st week of March, my husband and I went on a business trip and Grandma, my husband's mom, got to watch her for the 1st time. I'd pick no one else to watch her. Grandma LOVES to love and so does my daughter. A perfect match, and Grandma loves her to pieces. It was my 1st time leaving my baby. I cried, and spent many days with a lumpy throat and glassy eyes. She had just learned to say the letter "Y". We don't know why, but that letter stood out in her head over all other letters. I showed Grandma what I do in my daily schedule, and took a deep breath before walking out the door. It was easier to an extent since our flight was so early in the morning, that I'd leave in the middle of the night without having my girl see me leave. Didn't help me, though. "She just learned the letter "Y"' I thought to myself on the plane. I remenisced how she pointed to any sign that had the letter "Y" when we'd go to the grocery store together. I remember sighing and trying to swallow my motherly tears. I just loved being a mother, and most of all, HER mother. I made sure to call as much as I could to see how my darling little nutball was doing. A few days in our trip I was on the phone talking to Grandma to see how my baby girl was doing. Just then my husband, who was going through our suitcase, stood up and had a look of surprise and delight on his face. He held up a small lime green magnet. It was the letter "Y". I started to cry and laugh at the same time. How great that THAT letter of all letters happened to come along on the trip with us! I told Grandma about it as I was wiping the tears from my face and holding the letter in my hands. Grandma then said "You know what else? I've been singing the alphabet song and your daughter cuts me off when I get to "X" and says "Y"...". She then said "so I'd sing, Q-R-S-T-U-V...W-X..then little girl screams out "Y!" and I'd finish with "and Z"." Wow. I was amazed. What's even more amazing is that with taxes due in a short while, the economy stinking, politicians out of control and real estate being in the worst condition, I have actually found sheer delight and content in a topic that remarkably involves a toddler and the wonderful letter "Y".



Today my daughter is 18 months old. "Happy 18-month-day!" I said to her and kissed the heck out of her. A thousand kisses doesn't even scratch the surface of how much I want to kiss her. I celebrate each month because of something my husband once said to me about Christmas: "Every day is Christmas". He's right. Everyday is Christmas with my daughter. Every month that passes tells me that it's another month she has grown and experienced life with me and the man I love.

I bought her a little cupcake to enjoy and she gave me a hug followed by a loving "awwwwwww". I love celebrating every month with her. I know one day it won't matter to her, and we'll just be celebrating every year...but when I look back, I'll be glad that we had these days. Happy 18-Month Day, babygirl.