My Summer Wind

It's been a while since I've been able to put my thoughts on virtual paper. Summer crept up on me and told me to lay off the computer and start enjoying the outdoors, so I did. It got easier to want to do things when I have a child that sees Life as the most fun ride to ever be on. Before summer, I've been holding indoor picnics and entertaining my little darling with songs, dance and laughter. Then the sun finally came out to play and asked us to dance along with the summer wind. We eagerly accepted the offer.

On practically a daily basis I have contacted my "Mother-from-another-mother" (my mom-in-law) to only leave the following message: "I wanted to call and tell you that I love my freekin' daughter. Okay, take care." I cannot believe that love can still grow when I thought I was at capacity. I'm supposedly in the 'terrible two's' with my girl, but the 2's have not been so terrible. I'm probably getting Ginzu knives mentally thrown at me from mothers that have it harder than me (gulp) sorry. I do think I'm blessed and I do count my blessings because I know there will be change coming as my girl grows and is exposed to the real world. I know who I was as a teen, so I have an idea of what I'm in for! For now, I'm relishing in all the goodness she is giving me and praying for more of the same. :)


The past few months my husband and I have spent laughing to tears over her. She's a natural ham. Her character seems so well-developed that I have to assume she's an old soul. She's the coolest girl I know. From her comments to her expressions to the simplest gestures, she's shown me that she's got everything under control. This summer I took her to our neighborhood park. It has a great atmosphere with a large grassy park to run, a playground safe for toddlers and slides of all kinds to enjoy. A lake poses as a backdrop to this park and its duck friends fly in to swim around and meet the little toddlers and their parents that come with food to share. I looked at her as she was waving at all the ducks exclaiming "hello duck!" and thought, wow, my girl was barely walking last year and here she is trying to arrange a get-together with the ducks for a grand lunch buffet. Last year she only wanted the swings to swing on and this year she cared about the slides, ducks and even see-sawing with me all the live-long-day. I'd hear her yell "uuuup! And dowwwwn!" as we soared up and down the see-saw, letting the summer breeze sweep through our hair.

Watching her eyes beam with happiness, and listening to her contagious laughter throughout the days was worth more than any level of salary I could ever earn in a lifetime. I cherished every moment. We spent a lot of time at different attractions. From parades, Six Flags, the Dells and a local gym to her most favorite place to go - the Brookfield Zoo, all of the attractions were places that summed up to being her 1st awesome summer.


As Sinatra said in the song Summer Wind, "Like painted kites, those days and nights, they went flying by..." The summer sure went flying by. Though we are in a new season, and I love all four seasons, I'm sad to see the summer go away. It's actually a bittersweet moment for me. Seemed like the summer wind came and swept my little baby away and yet in that place was left the most amazing little toddler that holds me, kisses my own boo-boos for me, grabs my hands and yells "come on, Mommy let's go play!" and showers me with loving kisses - just because. This new girl is no longer glad to simply have a stroll down to the park. Instead I find her playfully jumping into Mr. Fall's puddles, hugging the leaf-less trees and showering herself with the leafy-friends she met on the ground. She's learned all the letters of the alphabet, can count to almost 20, and feels grateful when anything is given to her by saying "for me? Oh THANK YOU!" My daughter and I lost ourselves this summer. While we hibernate this coming winter among the fingerpaints and my arts and crafts box, I know we'll be dreaming up more sunny days as we wait to dance again in the next summer wind.

Happy Brithday, Ma...

(Written Thursday October 16, 2008 11:59pm)

I’m typing this to you at 11:59pm….just a minute before your birthday is over. Ma, I am so sorry. Sorry for so much. Sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you because I was so involved with me…sorry for wanting to do what I wanted and never caring about your needs. Sorry for not supporting you more and hugging you as much as my heart wanted to. I am sorry for not feeling free enough to just be me when Dad was around and let you see my tender side. I am sorry for not knowing how to handle your Alzheimer’s in a more understanding manner. I wish I had all the right tools to have kept you with me and it seemed as if I never found the right person or answer. I never wanted to leave you with Dad. Never wanted to walk away from you and never wanted to see you in the condition Dad left you in. the troubles were so big and with my hands being tied from a controlling father I prayed to G-d for Him to either give me the right direction or get you out of there fast. You have meant more to me that I can even say and I miss you with all I have, Ma…..I miss you so damn much.

Oct 16 is your sweet birthday…the day you were born…a wonderful day that should be celebrated so well and I have been anxious to do something in honor of you. This day passed with all the daily issues and typical actions and I only just remembered this evening that today finally came – and I was heartbroken that I did nothing. I am a mess about it, Ma….I want to give you everything in my life to have you back here with me. I want you in my life. I want to see you and hold you and laugh with you…I want to drink and dance and gossip with you. I want to hear music, drive around and drink chai with you. I want to dress up, eat grocery samples and play rumy with you. I want to color your hair, paint your nails and try on your pretty clothes. I want to take you out to dinner, go salsa dancing, and see a movie with you. I want to cook with you and steal a kiss from you. I want to lie down next to you, put my arms around your tummy and just rest calmly knowing you’re near me. I never ever want to be without you and I hate that I wasn’t allowed to grow up with you in my life to watch and enjoy. I want to experience life with you. Ma…there’s only one you and I lost you and I’m miserable without you. No one has ever loved me like you. No one has ever been there for me like you. No one has ever held me like you and no one has ever protected my feelings like you…and I waited too long to show you how much I wanted to give back. I had plans for us…I thought we’d grow old together and I lost you. I try to move forward but I take steps back because I want you with me. I look at your contagious smile on the picture on my wall and I wish I could turn around and see you sitting on my couch with my daughter Sophia. You were a flawless rare diamond among false stones…and I only had a short while to revel in what you offered. I should be feeling privileged, but I just feel lost without you. You were my anchor. I know you may be looking upon me, and as much as I know I will try to embrace it, I will always wish you were right here next to me.

This morning I went to the health club. As I dropped off Sophia at the daycare and walked to work out I passed a lady who seemed to be near your age and Indian. I met her once before and even the last time I met her I felt a strong connection with her and somehow gained a lumpy throat after talking with her. The 1st thing I felt was “oh my…she makes me think of Ma”. Somehow she put my answers of family together to see what had happened to me and she felt so sad for me. The sadness she felt was a mother’s sadness, and she was so sincere. She is an Indian woman who is from the northern part of India – like you. I felt such a need to talk to her because she resembled you…she spoke from her heart like you and she had such a peaceful spirit like you. Today was the 2nd time I bumped into her and she was so happy to see me again, and I felt exactly the same. It was as if we were both drawn to speak to each other, a feeling I can’t put well into words. She talked to me for a few minutes and after hearing the lack of interest in Dad to have a relationship with me, and hearing that he married and still has not cared to try to know me or my daughter…she just cried. I fell into her arms and hugged her tight and held back my tears. I was so touched that she was crying for me…but then, Ma, it felt almost as if it were you crying for me and you were hugging me through her. I felt the warmth that you would give me in your hugs…and I was near to breaking down in hugging her. She then tells me that her oldest daughter’s name is Anita. What are the chances?

So I am home tonight and in a split moment I looked for the calendar and noticed that on your birthday, you sent a woman to come and see me today, to cry for me and hug me. And I finally realized just before your birthday is over that the woman you sent was there because you sent her. You gave me your hugs through her. And a daughter named Anita…of all days I learn it all today.

Thank you for your moments and messages and thank you for all the good you did for me. Thank you for putting up with me through my temper and teen years when I thought I knew everything. Thank you for sailing my rough seas with me and supporting me even if you didn’t want to. Thank you for making me a loving woman, and keeping me tough when it came to respect and what was right and wrong in life. Thank you most of all for sticking through such a horrible marriage for my sake, when I know you didn’t have to. I pray that G-d has given you many blessings in Heaven for all the sacrifices you made for Dad and me. You put up with so much and you tried to fit in so badly in an environment that didn’t care for you. You tried to create and build on ‘family’ and you were given a bad hand of cards….but you played on and did the best for me. You did the absolute best for me and I am a better person in this world because of you.

Ma, you are truly my everything and I hope you know how deep my love is for you. I have much to work on to really be present in moments that you specially make for me because I ache for them. I pray that we meet a million times through my dreams so we can be together and talk and I can hug you over and over again because I love and miss you so much. Have a happy birthday everyday…you deserve everyday to be celebrated, and I’ll hope to be right there with you in spirit to celebrate with you through Sophia and my good actions with her. So many moments you give me and today was the top of the cake for me. I hope I see that lady because I believe you sent her for me and I will do everything I can to be in touch with her. She is your gift to me, and it’s your birthday. Again…you are the selfless one. Why does love have to be far away when being close really matters? Ma, please stay with me forever…I hope you are the one that holds my hand when it’s my turn to be with G-d. I never want us to be apart again. I want to protect you and give you all my love the way daughters should for their mothers. You aren’t just any mother, either…you were and are the most selfless and caring mothers I have ever seen. You are my mother and I love you with my entire soul.


Sending all my love to you…

(10 years ago on your birthday... our last picture together)

MILEPEBBLES

I'm constantly going through these little moments in my life with my daughter that have not exactly earned the title of "milestones" but can't be ignored in my heart. So I am calling them "milepebbles".

They are the moments that enter through your eyes, whisper into your heart, create a wonderful swell of love within your spirit and finally leave a lump in your throat. The moments trigger an identification to you that your child just grew a little more, and your moments with your child yesterday remain right there - yesterday. That moment, without an invitation to leave, left the party... and a new and different moment took it's place.

So far I have watched my little child grow from little ticks of movement, squeaks of noise, spit ups and no support to sit or stand into an outrageously amazing child of love, light and energy.

As I am writing this, I turned and looked at my daughter. What a sight. There she is, sitting on top of the floor vent watching a Noggin commercial and applying a yellow crayon onto her lips as if it were the daily dosage of Chapstick. Only parents could appreciate that.

She's only 17 months old, yet I look back at infinite moments I adore. Thousands of moments I want to savor forever. Here are some milepebbles that proudly hang in my hall of memories:

Looking at the sonogram screen and comprehending that the teeniest spot that was flashing quickly was my daughter...the size of a piece of rice, and the flashing was her miraculous heartbeat.

Seeing her in my arms for the 1st time, completely depending on my love and care. So fragile...so pure.

The 1st time my heart felt so much concern to make sure my child got everything she needed.

Seeing her smile as she slept....

The excitement I had when she began to eat solid foods.

Her 1st laugh...and every laugh after that. The simplest gestures that made her little body shake with laughter.

My heart dropping when she rolled over, sat up, walked along the couch and finally taking steps on her own.

Moving her from the co-sleeper to her crib.

The day she held my head in her little hands and kissed me.

Moving her from an infant car seat to a bigger car seat, and finally seeing her beautiful face in my rearview mirror.

The day she hugged me back.

Hearing her first words...followed by her impressive character.

Watching her say "HI-eeeee!" to every single person that she passed by and expecting a response.

My jaw dropping when she first started to dance, memorized "ring around the rosie", knew over 50% of the pictures from the alphabet flashcards and made 'deals' with me (if she has a pen in her hand, she'd much rather offer a kiss than give up the pen....smart girl, eh?).

My shock to see her do everything she can to make sure Daddy and Mommy are loved equally (she will kiss Daddy, then run over to kiss me before moving on).

Laughing to tears with my husband over how she says "No" to everything we say to her. 'Are you a good girl?' ..."No." 'Honey, hand me that toy' ..."No." 'Babygirl, give me a kissie!' ..."No."

And finally today, I went to a restaurant with a friend and her children and for the 1st time chose a booster seat instead of a high chair. I just couldn't believe she was sitting in a booster seat already! There she was sitting right next to me in our booth. My little baby... who I've only seen in an infant car seat or high chair, is now sitting next to me!

Later as we were leaving, I didn't carry her out as I always have. Didn't use a stroller either. I actually set her feet on the ground, took a deep breath and let her hold my hand. We walked out of the restaurant together. What a moment for me. What an independent moment for her!! We loved walking together so much that I had to walk with her once we reached home.

There I was, walking around my neighborhood with my baby girl. To my left was this little impressive and adorable child with her pink spring trenchcoat and her shoulder-length hair. She was walking as if she'd been walking for 20 years. She closed her eyes and let the cool breeze flow all around her. She looked up at me and said her new word from two weeks ago, "cold." I looked back at her and nodded with a huge smile on my face... and the largest lump in my throat. We continued walking. I sang twinkle twinkle little star and she "la-la"-ed along with me as we swung our arms and held hands. "Another milepebble" I said to myself. I stopped walking and got to my daughter's level. I looked in her chocolate brown eyes and whispered "I will remember this day forever" and hugged her. She responded ..."No."

Ahhh, that's my girl.

If I earned a dollar for every milepebble I have, I'd be a billionaire.